faith mom, your child's difficult behavior may be revealing a skill they still need to learn. Today I'll show you five skills
and then give you - a four-question plan to use before the next conflict begins
The first skill difficult behavior may reveal is the ability to move from one activity to another. Maybe your child struggles when it's time to leave the house, turn off a device, begin homework, or get ready for bed. The reaction may look like defiance. It may sound like arguing, crying, stalling, or just simply refusing.
But before you decide your child is simply being difficult, ask yourself, does my child know how to prepare for this change? Really, do they know? Your child still needs to follow your direction, but the behavior may also be telling you that your child does not know how to m- mentally shift or emotionally shift from one thing to another.
I learned this while raising my own son. When he was younger, he's 20 now, but when he was younger, transitions could be difficult. And if we suddenly said, "It's time to go, put everything away," that abrupt change could lead to a meltdown. Then we discovered that something simple helped. We would say, "In one minute, it's going to be time to leave."
And that one-minute warning gave him time to finish what he was doing, shift his thinking, and prepare to move, prepare to transition. We were not changing the expectation. We were preparing him to meet the expectation, and that difference will become important when we reach that four-question plan because one of those questions will help you decide what support to provide before the difficult behavior begins.
Your child may need a timer or a brief warning, a, a visual schedule or, or just a predictable routine. Support does not mean lowering every expectation. It means providing structure while a skill is still being developed. It reminds me of Proverbs 22:6, which says, "Train up a child in the way he should go."
You see, training includes correction, but it also includes showing and preparing, even practicing and reminding and repeating. The goal is not to remove every uncomfortable transition. The goal is to teach our children how to move from discomfort without allowing it to control the response
The second skill a difficult behavior may reveal is knowing how to begin and complete a task. Maybe your child avoids homework, or leaves chores unfinished, or becomes overwhelmed when you say, "Go clean your room." From the outside, that may look like laziness, but does your child actually know where to begin?
Is the assignment too much, too broad, and are there too many decisions for that child to make? Does your child even understand what finished looks like? Clean your room sounds like just a simple instruction to an adult. But to a child, it may raise several questions like, where do I start? Or what do I pick up first?
Maybe they think, where does everything go? And the, and the best one is, how clean does it have to be? Have you ever repeated the same direction several times and wondered why your child still did not move? The missing piece may not be willingness to do the task. It may just be a clear starting point. Instead of repeating, "Go clean your room," you might say something like, "Put all your dirty clothes in the hamper." Then give them the next step after that, and when they finish that step, give them the next. Or you can even create a short checklist.
Clothes in the hamper, trash in the trash can, books on the shelf. All the things that you want your child to do in easy steps for them to take care of it all. You're not doing the work for your child. That strategy, You're teaching your child how to organize and complete the work.
And in a moment, we're going to look at another behavior that often appears to be disobedience, but may actually begin with the way the direction was given. As our children become more capable, we can gradually remove some of these supports. The goal is not lifelong dependence on a checklist. The goal is to use the checklist long enough for the child to develop a repeatable process. And if this is helpful for you, , this conversation originated when I had an interview with with Bonnie Liotta, and she explains how parents can look beyond diagnosis or outward behavior and to identify the life skill that may still just need to be taught, and that would take care of the behavior. I will link her video at the end. Watch that interview to hear her explain this approach in greater depth
The third skill that may be revealed with difficult behavior is following directions
Sometimes we assume that because our child heard our voice, our child fully processed what we said. But hearing words, hearing words is not always the same as knowing what to do next. Imagine saying, "Go upstairs, put your shoes away, bring your backpack down, check your lunchbox. Oh, and don't forget to bring me that paper I asked you."
That may feel like a quick request to you as an adult, but to your child, it may feel like a wall of information, and your child completes the first step, becomes distracted, and forgets the rest. And then you become frustrated because your child did not listen. Your child becomes frustrated because they believe they tried.
Does that cycle happen in your home? I'd love to hear in the comments if you see that in your household. Before assuming disobedience, ask whether the direction was clear, specific, manageable, and given at a time the child could pay attention. You might actually say, "Look at me for a moment. Put your shoes on."
And then wait until that step is complete before giving them another direction. You can also ask, "What did you hear me ask you to do?" And you're not trying to embarrass them or demand a perfect repetition. You are checking whether the expectation was understood, whether they understood what you asked them to do.
A short checklist may also help with repeated responsibilities. You could say, "Backpack, bring the backpack, lunch." You could just put the, the one word that would trigger what you want them to do, or you could be very specific with what you want them to do. But that clear communication. Your child may not need another lecture.
Your child just may need a clear system that helps them remember what responsibility looks like. And the next skill may be one of the most important in this entire video because it affects how both you and your child respond when the answer is no
The fourth skill that might be revealed in your children's behavior is the ability to communicate disappointment respectfully. This is where many moms feel , so pulled into an argument. You say no to more screen time, and you require the homework to be completed first, and you decide that your child cannot attend an activity, and your child responds angry toned, an accusation, an eye roll, a slammed device, or words that feel deeply disrespectful.
What happens inside you when that occurs? Do you feel your voice becoming louder? Do you immediately begin listing everything your child has done wrong? Do you feel that you must regain control by overpowering your child's emotions? In that moment, your first responsibility is not to control your child's emotions. Your first and primary responsibility is to control yourself.
You see, being firm does not mean becoming louder, harsher, or even more emotional than your child. Firmness is controlled strength. Let me say that again. Firmness is controlled strength. You may remain calm enough to state the facts, hold the boundary, and help your child think through what just happened. Here is the phrase I want you to remember. It's three parts. Control yourself, state the facts, and then reach the heart. Control yourself, state the facts, reach the heart. And in a moment, I'm going to walk you through exactly what that could sound like in a conversation.
Here we go. Imagine that your child ask for more screen time, but the agreed-upon homework has not been completed, so you say no. Your child responds, and their response is, "You never let me do anything." Then your child raises their voice and slams the device on the table. Instead of reacting to the accusation or beginning a long lecture, pause.
Lower your voice, and then calmly state what happened. You asked for more screen time. I reminded you that your homework had to be completed first. You became angry, raised your voice, and slammed the device onto the table. Notice what you did not say. You did not call your child rude, selfish, lazy, dramatic, or even defiant.
You stated the facts. That keeps the conversations focused on what happened rather than attacking who your child is. And then separate the feeling from the response. You could say something like, "You are allowed to feel disappointed. You are not allowed to speak w- to me disrespectfully or handle things roughly."
And your child's emotions are real, but that emotion does not make every reaction acceptable. This is where calm reasoning begins to reach beneath the behavior. And you could ask, what about my answer, my no answer, what about that felt unfair to you? And what were you hoping would happen? What were you thinking when you heard me say no?
And just listen without surrendering your authority. Hold your firm ground. Understanding why your child reacts does not mean agreeing with the reaction. You are just helping your child slow down and examine what happened beneath the anger. And this matters because the four-question plan later in the video will help you prepare for these conversations before you and your middle schooler get upset.
Next- walk through the facts. What was our agreement about homework and screen time? Was the homework completed? What would have been a respectful way to tell me you were disappointed? Then teach a replacement response. Your child might say, "Mom, I am disappointed. May I ask one question?"
Or they might choose to say or you could teach them to say, "I do not like the answer, but I understand what you said." Or another option that you could possibly teach them is, "I am too upset to speak respectfully right now. May I take a few minutes to calm down?" You do not need to teach all those phrases.
Choose just one and teach it, practice it when no one is upset. Could your... Could your child clearly tell you what respectful disappointment sounds like in your home? If not, that may be the skill that needs to be taught. You see, Proverbs 15:1 says, "A soft answer turns away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger."
A soft answer is not a weak answer. You can speak softly and still say no, and you can remain calm and still require respect. You can understand your child's heart and still maintain the boundary. A consequence may still be appropriate, especially when something is damaged, a clear rule was broken, or the behavior continued.
But the main goal is not to punish your child into silence. It is to help your child connect the feeling, the choice, and the result. Your child needs to learn, I can feel disappointed without becoming respectful, and your child learns that partly by watching you demonstrate it. You can demonstrate, I can be challenged without losing control of myself.
And remember, control yourself, state the facts, and reach the heart. That is firm, controlled leadership.
And let me remind you about my interview with Bonnie. Um, in that interview, 📍 she encourages parents to become detectives. She explains how to examine what happened before the behavior, what the child may have been trying to communicate, and what skill may still need to be taught. The interview is linked in the description.
Listen especially for her explanation of how clear goals can help parents and children stop working against one another and begin working together The fifth skill that your child's behavior may uncover is recognizing and managing rising emotions. Some children do not notice that they are becoming overwhelmed until they are already yelling, crying, slamming doors, and shutting down.
They may need help recognizing what happens in their body before emotion takes place. Your child might notice that their fists are clenched, that their chest is tight, that their breathing is fast, that their voice is getting louder, that they feel hot. They may notice all those things. They may be feeling unable to think clearly.
Help your child discover what is the earliest sign that your child is beginning to lose control. That is the moment you want your child to learn to notice. Help your child identify one early warning sign and one appropriate response. Your child might say something like, "I'm getting too upset to speak respectfully.
May I take a few minutes?" That pause is not permission to avoid responsibility. The conversation still needs to happen,, the direction may still need to be followed, and the boundary may still remain. But the pause gives your child an opportunity to regain control before making the situation worse.
, Later in the video, when we apply the four-question plan, you may decide that identifying this early warning sign is the one goal your family practices this week. Looking beneath behavior does not mean ignoring sin or removing consequences or even allowing harmful behavior. It means asking, "What skill does my child need in order to respond differently next time?"
And listen to what Proverbs 20 verse five says. It says, "Counsel in the heart of man is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out." Sometimes what is happening inside your child is like deep water, but understanding helps you look beneath the surface without ignoring what happened on the surface.
Instead of only asking, "How do I stop this behavior?" you can begin asking, "What does my child still need to learn?"
And I just want to speak to you, Faith Mom. It is difficult to respond proactively when your own life feels like one long emergency. When you are deciding what everyone will eat at the last minute, searching for missing clothes, and trying to remember tomorrow's schedule, you may have very little space left to notice patterns.
Have you ever recognized what your child needed only after the difficult moment was over? This is why a simple home system can support your parenting. In another conversation, and I'll 📍 link that in the description, with Chelsea Jo, she recommends beginning with a meal plan. So if you feel like the things , that we've mentioned here for you to do with your child ..
you don't have the bandwidth or the time to do it, the thing that , you might need to put in place before you can put these other questions and other actions in place is a meal plan. And a meal plan will not solve every parenting struggle, but it can remove daily decisions and calm part of the evening rush and give you more time to listen, prepare, pray, and respond wisely. You are not creating systems only to become more efficient. You are creating margin in your life to notice your child And let me just say that if this is helping you understand your child's behavior in a practical and biblical way and know how to respond and know how to help your child, 📍 📍 please like this video and subscribe to The Faith Mom Mentor. It helps other moms and you continue to find the encouragement that is needed every day in the life of a mom of a middle schooler
Now, let's put everything together with the four-question proactive plan you can choose and use before the next difficult moment happens
The first thing that you would want to do is choose one repeated struggle in your home. Not, not five, just one. Just choose one behavior , that is the biggest struggle for you that you want to get to the bottom of it.
Maybe it's getting out the door in the mornings, or beginning homework, or putting away a device, or completing a chore, or maybe it's responding respectfully when the answer is no. Write that situation at the top of a page. Take a piece of paper and write that situation out. Then answer four questions.
I'm gonna give you some options. The first basic question that we're asking for question one is, what usually happens right before the behavior? And it's very important that you're specific. , Some things that you could answer is, what time is it? What has your child been doing? What direction did you give?
How much warning did your child receive? Was your child tired or hungry or, or rushed, or embarrassed? Maybe confused, or even absorbed in something else. And was the expectation already clear, or was it introduced in the moment? You see, with a- asking these questions, you're not looking for someone to blame.
You are just gathering information. And this first question often reveals something we miss when we focus only on what the child did afterward, the outward behavior. For my son, the pattern was an abrupt direction to leave. The behavior did not mean he should never be required to leave. It just showed us that he needed help preparing for the transition.
What pattern might become clearer if you studied what happened five minutes before the behavior?
The second question we're gonna talk about is name a skill instead of making a character judgment
Instead of saying my child is lazy, the skill may be starting a task Instead of, "My child never listens," you may identify the skill that may be following one direction at a time. Instead of just classifying your child as disrespectful, maybe you need to help them learn the skill of expressing disappointment appropriately.
This question can change the entire direction of your response. Character matters. Self-control, diligence, honesty, responsibility, even patience and respect matter. But children often need these qualities broken into actions they can understand and practice. You could ask something like, "What would the right response look and sound like?"
And don't only tell your child what not to do, show your child what to do instead. The third question in our four-question plan is, what support can I provide ahead of time? This is where you might create a warning checklist, a visual reminder, a practice conversation, or establish a predictable routine.
You might say, "In 10 minutes, the device will be put away, and I'll remind you again when two minutes remain." You might place a checklist by the door to make sure they get all their items on their way out of s- for school, and you might give one direction at the time instead of five at one time. You might practice a respectful response before your child hears no again.
Think back over those five skills we discussed. Would a warning help? Or maybe with your child's behavior, would a starting point help with your child's behavior? Would one clear direction help? Would a respectful phrase help? Would an earlier common strategy help? Support is not removing responsibility.
Support gives your child a structure in which responsibility can grow. So to sum up question three, you can ask, what can I put in place before the difficult moment arrives? And then the last question, question four, what small goal can we practice together? Avoid vague goals. Have a better attitude is difficult to understand and it's difficult to measure. A clear goal might be something like, "When I give you the two-minute warning, pause the game, look at me, and say, 'Okay, I heard you.'"
Be respectful can also feel vague. A clearer goal might be, when the answer is no, you can say, "I am disappointed. May I ask one question?" This fourth question turns the plan into something your child can actually practice. Talk about the goal when both of you are calm. And you might say something like, "This is something we're gonna practice this week. I believe you can learn it. I will help you prepare, and I will give you opportunity to follow through." And you know what? Your child should understand what is expected, what support is available, what choice they need to make, and what may happen based on that choice.
Do not invent the plan in anger after the problem occurs. Explain it ahead of time, then practice it consistently. And if the plan does not work perfectly the first time, do not immediately abandon it. Instead, review it. Was the skill clear? Was the support given early enough? Was the goal realistic? And did I remain consistent?
You see, the purpose is not immediate perfection. The purpose is steady growth
And I would be remiss if I didn't mention this part. You do not have to figure all of this out through your own strength. James 1:5 says, "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God." Bring your child, your concerns, your plan to the Lord, to the master of all, and ask, "Lord, what am I not seeing? What does my child need to learn?
Where do I need to become more consistent? And have I expected a skill that I have not taken time to teach?" What might God show you if you brought one specific parenting problem before Him instead of only asking Him to make the behavior stop? Sometimes God may show you an adjustment your child needs, and sometimes He may reveal a change you need to make in your own timing, words, expectations, or follow through.
Your child does not need a mother who never makes a mistake. Your child needs a mother who is willing to be taught by God.
And as a mother, you can say something like, "I didn't handle that well," or, "Will you forgive me? The expectation still matters, but I want to speak to you with love and with grace." A mother who can say that and could also say, "I see that this is hard, and I also believe you can grow."
And you want to be the kind of mother who can say, "Let us make a plan before this happens again." As you prepare proactively instead of only reacting, the atmosphere in your home can begin to change. Your child can understand what is expected, and you can become calmer and more consistent, and ordinary conflicts can become opportunities to teach wisdom, responsibility, self-control, and faith
Just one more thing before we wrap up here. Choose one repeated struggle and answer those four questions. What happens right before the behavior? What skill does my child still need to learn? What support can I provide them ahead of time? And what small goal can we practice together? Then choose a calm time to discuss the plan with your eight to 12-year-old.
Do not try to change everything at once. That will be a disaster. Begin with one skill, one support, and one clear goal. And remember, your child is not the problem. Your child is a person that you love, and a skill may still need to be taught. For more help putting this into practice, watch the full 📍 conversation with Bonnie
she offers more insight into looking beyond a diagnosis, and she helps us identify the life skill beneath that struggle and create goals that help children take greater ownership. The full interview is linked in the description, and I've linked it here at the end. Watch it next with a piece of paper nearby, and write down one idea you can use in your home this week.
You see, disrespect happens, but when you control yourself, state the facts, and reach the heart Ask God for wisdom, prepare with love, and teach the skill, and follow through with the grace and the truth that you prayed for. Until next time, keep pursuing God because you live for His glory and to guide your child to walk with Him
