As Christian moms, we often focus on how to raise godly kids, but one of the strongest lessons they receive may be the marriage they watch every day. Today, we're talking about five biblical keys to a successful Christian marriage and how a God centered marriage can model love, grace, forgiveness, and faithfulness for our children. I'm so excited and honored to welcome Miss Veronica Sutherland, a Christian marriage and pre-marital coach, family life educator, certified life coach, author, and speaker with over 40 years of marriage experience. Before we get into this conversation, I encourage you be sure to check out the links of all of her information in the description. You can go deeper with Veronica in her book, Unshakable Foundations. is a beautiful next step if you want faithg guided conversations and practical encouragement for building a marriage that honors God. Veronica, welcome to the faith mom mentor. Thank you. Glad to be here. Veronica, before we get into all the five biblical keys, what first stirred your heart to help women and couples build stronger God- centered marriages and healthy biblical marriages? Some 40 plus years ago, I married my prince charming. We we were able to discuss things and I felt that we were just going to have this happy marriage. We were going to ride off into the sunset and everything is going to be okay. But then after a while that Prince Charming turned into a frog and I I didn't feel that I was being heard. I didn't feel validated. you kept saying the same things over and over again and it's as if we just weren't on the same page and um I I went to God in prayer because I had made this vow in front of many people that it was for better for worse until death do us part and then I had two children I didn't want my children growing up into homes and So something had to happen and I went to God and God said to me that I should look at him through his eyes. And also he took me to that verse in Timothy about not giving us a spirit of fear but of power of love and of a sound mind. And God said to me do not give your power to anyone. And basically what he was saying is I should not allow what somebody else says to dictate how I respond. I I was to allow him to be that guide to how I respond. And so I I don't want any other woman to go through what I went through. And that's what why I do what I do. It sounds like you have been in the trenches. you loved your family and you loved God. And for the mom who feels like she does deeply love her family and she does love God, but she is just stretched thin or emotionally depleted. Why is investing in her marriage not selfish? H how did you invest in your marriage? How does it support and help in Christian motherhood? I think mothers carry some amount of guilt about investing in their marriages because you want to spend as much time as possible with your children. You want to be raising those children in a godly manner and so you want most of your time to be entrusted in raising them. But then if you're not investing in your marriage, if you're not trying to make your marriage better, you are not giving them an example of how they should live their lives when they become adults. And so you you're giving so them something that is invaluable when you invest in your marriage. And when you invest in your marriage, you are creating a home where love, security, grace, and faith are being lived every day. They're seeing an example of that loving, compassionate, kindness of God in their in their home. And so your your marriage is the foundation of your family. And children will flourish when they see their parents loving each other, when they see them respecting each other, and when they see them forgiving and prayed to get. So what you're trying to help us to understand is that the commitment in our marriage actually shows our children how to learn about love and faith by watching their parents' marriage. What would you have to say about that? Yes, it is because your home is their the home is their first classroom and the the parents are their first teachers and they are forming their picture of marriage based on what they see you doing. So, they are learning from you what marriage should look like. And it sounds like you have five keys that you're going to share with us. But before you do, I want to invite our faith mom community that if you would hit the like button, it helps signal other moms of middle schoolers that this conversation may encourage them to. We are all navigating these years together and supporting one another is just one way we can help other moms find the resources they need. So, Miss Veronica, what would you say is the first of the five biblical keys to a successful Christian marriage and thriving God centered marriage? That is the um thing that our kids need to see us participating in. First is to put Christ as the center of your marriage. That's the first thing. Put God first. You know Christ said in Matthew that when we put God first, everything else falls into place. And it's the same thing with your marriage. When you put God first, they are watching you. And they are watching to see if you only attend church. It's only when you attend church, you pay attention to God. They are watching to see how you live your life daily. Are you forgiving each other? Are you serving each other and other people as well outside of your marriage? They're watching to see how you love. They're watching to see how you speak with each other, how you think, all all of that. They're watching to see. And all of those things should be done according to Christ or allowing Christ to help us with our thinking etc. I love how you added that help us with our thinking because it's our thinking that needs to be redirected to make sure that we are um putting Christ first as a as a priority. How can a busy mom though, moms there's moms often working outside the home, taking kids to practice, um getting her home management under control. How can a busy mom begin practicing putting Christ first even this week in a simple realistic way? First you can ensure that you find some time to be with God. um put it as an appointment on your calendar or [clears throat] just find a five minutes somewhere in your day when you are relaxing and you're able to just spend that time speaking to God and allowing God to speak to you. So read a verse and really focus on what that verse is saying to you and be still in front of God and allow him to speak to you. And two, you can find some time to be intentional about who having a conversation with your husband. You know, sitting down and how can I serve you today? How can I serve you better this week? What is something that I can do? And you have that conversation. So the these are things you can do to really find that time to put God first in their marriage. It sounded like with your answers with both of those, it's communication and and sometimes busy moms think that they don't have time, but what you suggested there can be done in I mean for a busy mom, just spending one or two minutes to start with is a good starting place. not feel like she has to spend an hour, even 30 minutes just a one minute Bible verse just stopping and hearing from God for one minute as as a good starting place and then of course build up from that because in my experience and Miss Veronica tell me if this has been in yours in my experience the more I spend time with God the more I want to spend time with God. Have you found that to be the case? Yes, definitely. You you you you just want to relax and be with him. The more time you spend. And the opposite is also true. When you start missing out on that appointment with God, you tend it tends to happen more and more and you find yourself pulling away from him. So you have to be intentional about it. Yes. And then find him. He is peace. And so if you want peace in your life and you need one minute of peace, you take time with God today for that one minute of peace. Yes. Um you mentioned something at the beginning about one of the things that came up in your relationship with your husband was he wasn't you were talking and he wasn't understanding. So communication can be one of the biggest struggles in marriage. What is one piece of Christian marriage advice that you can help wives improve their communications with their husbands? I would go to James 1 verse 19 where he says everyone should be quick to listen. Slow to speak and slow to become angry. Quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. So you're you're listening to understand. You're not listening to respond. Oh, that's good. Being proactive rather than reactive. Yes. Listening. Listening for understanding. And I think that when you started listening to your husband for understanding, when you talked to him, did you feel more heard? Yeah. Yes, I did. I did. He he was responding more to what I said then because I I I wasn't speaking out of defending myself anymore. I was speaking to understand where he was coming from. And so it sounded like what the battle was is you he wanted you to hear him and you wanted him to hear you and neither one of you were hearing. And it all it sounds like if we go back to the book of James the source may have been because neither of you were listening. So when you started that listening pattern even if your husband didn't listen you listening made the impact. You were responsible for the listening. So you made the you made the change in the marriage and then um your husband thankfully began listening and responding. So conflict is part of every marriage. How can wives approach conflict in a way that honors God without ignoring their real hurt and frustration? God doesn't want us to ignore the hurt. Let us begin there. So to pretend that we're not being hurt. If you are being hurt, you are being hurt. And you need to be honest about it that you are being hurt. But in being honest, don't accuse your hus. Don't accuse them. Deal with the issue. So the goal is not to avoid the conflict. The goal is to manage the conflict in a healthy, loving and respectful manner. And so you may want to pause before you react. And in in that pause, say a word of prayer to God to help you. And I find too that if I react while my emotions are high, I say and do things that I regret later. And so I prefer to say let us talk about this later when we are both calm. So that that pause is important and remember express without accusing and deal with the matter at that. And also remember your husband is not the enemy. Paul in 6 speaks about not wrestling against flesh and blood. So we we ought to bear that in the back of our minds at the same time when we are trying to resolve conflicts. Yeah. I'm so glad you mentioned that because that is so true. Often we look at the person that we can see as the enemy as the problem but that is not the enemy and that's not behind the problem. What's behind the problem is the principalities and the powers of the air. Um forgiveness is a word we often use in Christian life. Can it be but it can be hard in marriage. It's hard to forgive somebody we are so close to that has betrayed us and that has hurt us. What does forgiveness look like in everyday married life when it is essential for a successful marriage? It is letting go of those small offenses, letting go of those things that really hurt us. And it is like Paul says in Colossians 3:13 to bear with each other and forgive one another. So it is forgiving as the Lord forgave you. Yes. That grace that the Lord gave to you, you give it to someone else. And I have found one effective way of forgiving. And before I go there, when when we don't forgive, it can end up in bitterness and we don't want to get to that stage. It sends up our blood pressure. It is more stress on our bodies and we are not joyful. We become angry etc. And I find one effective way of dealing with forgiveness. First you acknowledge that you are hurt and you look for the lesson. At least I look for the lesson in the hurt and I embrace that lesson and then I bless the hurt and let it go. [laughter] It's not always easy. Sometimes I do come back and pick it up but I have to go through the process again. But in embracing that lesson, you recognize that you are building muscle. they are becoming stronger and you are able to forgive a little easier next time something happens. That's so good because our forgiveness muscle is what builds endurance and endurance is what take us to the end. Also, I think it was important to recognize what you said about we forgive others as Christ has forgiven us. And so a mom who is having conflict in her marriage, unless she starts prioritizing her relationship with Christ, she will almost be defenseless in her ability to manage her conflict with her husband. Because it's in that minute or two that you spend in God's word that you are getting close to God that you are recognizing he has forgiven you. Then that's what you can take and use as your armor for your conflict with your spouse. How would you how would you comment on that? Yes, it is. Because if if if you don't have God's spirit in you, it is hard to forgive. It is hard to forgive even with his spirit within you. And so, it is really letting go to God and allowing him to be able to help you to look for that lesson and to really let go of the hurt that it is causing you. It is God's spirit in you that helps you to be kind and compassionate to your husband in spite of the million and one things in your mind that he's doing to hurt you. Yeah. And forgiveness does not negate the pain. I like how you mentioned that earlier. Forgiveness does not say you were not hurt. Forgiveness does not say it was not a problem for you. Forgiveness does not say it's should be excused. Forgiveness is not an excuse. Forgiveness is a removal of the penalty of what has been caused just like Christ has removed. And I've heard it said that if we don't forgive, it's like drinking poison for ourselves. And when we really want to poison the other person, but forgiveness creates the poison to be in us and us to have the problem, us to be um in the pain and in the difficulty rather than forgiveness just removes that pain, that difficulty from us, not disaging or not failing to acknowledge that it was painful or it was difficult. So, faith mom, if you're enjoying this conversation and would like more faith-based content to encourage you on your faith mom parenting journey, be sure to subscribe and let us know in the comments. And if today's conversation is already reminding you that your marriage matters, I want to encourage you to take one next step. Check out the links in the description to connect with Veronica and learn more about her resources, especially her book, Unshakable Foundations: Faithg Guided Conversations to Prepare for a Marriage That Honors God. It will help you think more intentionally about building a God centered marriage with faith, wisdom, and grace. Now, Miss Veronica, many moms of middle schoolers feel there is no time left for their marriage after work, kids, activities, church, home responsibilities. What are one or two simple ways couples can reconnect and strengthen their biblical marriage when life feels so full? So, it doesn't take a lot of time to reconnect or to connect with each other. It can be just 10 minutes of intentional conversation. So build a ritual out of it. Maybe 10 minutes after dinner. You have coffee together or tea or a cool drink or whatever your choice is. But no phones, no distractions, no TV, no children, just the two of you talking about life. And it may be just what was the best part of your day and what was most challenged. Secondly, it can be just two minutes praying together before you go to bed. So those are two ways of connecting. Yeah, that doesn't take much time. That is so true. Uh a few years ago, my husband and I implemented that two minutes praying together before we went to bed. It's probably been I don't know 10 years ago or so now, but that has made a significant difference. We're not we're a little bit beyond the two minutes now, but that made a significant difference in our relationship. And so I would encourage moms if you could just do one thing um maybe one minute with God a day and two minutes with your husband a day and I think that you would see as Miss Veronica has reminded us a huge difference in your marriage. Now, just like any seed though, it takes time to see the results. It takes time to see the growth from the seeds that you are planting in those minutes. And when it doesn't go well, when you feel like your one minute with God didn't flourish that day or wasn't effective or the two minutes with your husband ended up in a knockdown dragout, what would you say to that mom, Miss Veronica? What would you say when things are not going as well as what the mom would expect even though she's putting in the effort? I would say do not give up. Talk to God about it. Try to find a friend maybe that you can speak to that can help [clears throat] you to become more connected with yourself, more connected with God and being able to really listen to your spouse. You may need to go further. You may need help. You may need to talk to your pastor or a coach or a counselor or somebody. But that effort to you you need to make that effort to be able to really connect with your spouse. That's so good. Now, Miss Veronica, tell us a little bit more about your book. I'm going to link everything in the description, but tell us about the unshakable foundations. Okay. I wrote that book for people who are preparing for marriage, but anybody can make use of it. Whether you are married already or you are preparing for marriage and this is to help you to have those hard conversations that you tend not to have when you are so much in love and planning for your marriage for your wedding and want to ensure that everything is in place etc. You tend not to have the hard conversations. You you tend not to talk about what you expect from each other. You tend not to talk about how your family of origin will be involved in your marriage. You tend not to talk about how you're going to handle your finances, what your goals are going to be as a married couple. So, it's really having those conversations before you get married that will help you to deal with those things that will make your marriage stronger and make you more connected to yourself, to your spouse, and to God. Yes. And the things that are in that book often are the things that cause tension in the marriage. Finances so often cause tension in the marriage. um the in-laws so much cause tension in the marriage. Who's going to do what? I'm doing it all, the mom might say, and you're not doing anything. And the accusations in the marriage cause problems. So, this book, even though it may be for pre-marital counseling, if you are finding yourself struggling with any of these issues or things that you wish you should have gone through before you got married, this book would be for you. So, be sure to check it out in the um description for more information and for more details. Now, for a mom who wants to connect with you, Miss Veronica, and learn more from you or find encouragement for their marriage, how can they connect with you? I'm on LinkedIn. I am also on Facebook and I have a Facebook group for women who are Christians and are married. We have some folks in there that are not married yet. And there are a few men that creeped in. They asked and I let them in. And there I give you tips about building your marriage, a stronger marriage. a marriage based on biblical principles. I also have a newsletter, at least two newsletters on LinkedIn, together for life and divorce proofs your marriage. Okay. All right. Great. And we will link those in the description. You also have provided a free resource for our faith mom community and we will definitely link that in the description. Do you want to tell us a little bit about that? It's about how you can behave as a married couple, how you model that godly marriage that you want your children to emulate. So there are some questions there for you to look at to see how well they are doing, to test yourselves to see how well they are doing, some tips about how you can do it better. And there's a challenge as well, a 7-day challenge. Excellent. I think it's called the Love Bug Resource also. So, that's an exciting title. We can be love bugs, Miss Veronica. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and your encouragement with us today. That's my pleasure. Mom, I hope this conversation reminded you that strengthening your marriage is not separate from Christian motherhood. The love, grace, forgiveness, and faithfulness your children see at home can become a powerful picture of Christ. Be sure to check the description for Veronica's details, including her book, Unshakable Foundations, and ways to connect with her. and be sure to get that free resource she's provided.
