If your child is between 8 and 12, there are some important reasons to start talking about sex before middle school, not because you're trying to take away your child's innocence, but because you're preparing them to make wise decisions as their independence grows. Proverbs chapter 5 gives us a surprisingly practical picture of how to do that. And the fifth benefit may completely change the way you think about having the sex talk. And here's why this age matters, the ages of 8 to 12. Common Sense Media surveyed teenagers about pornography exposure and found that the average reported age of first exposure was 12 years old. Even 15% reported exposure by age 10 or younger. This age is at the same time our kids are entering a season when their bodies, questions, friendships, access to information and independence are all changing. So maybe instead of asking, "Is 8 to 12 too early to talk about sex?" Maybe we could ask instead, "What does my child need to understand before somebody else begins answering questions about sex for them?" And that's where Proverbs 5 gets so interesting. I love Proverbs 5. It's a conversation between a parent and a child about sexuality, choices, temptations, consequences, wisdom, and even marriage. And when we look at Proverbs 5 through the lens of parenting an 8 to 12year-old, I think we can see five benefits starting these conversations right now while your kid is between ages 8 and 12. You see, Proverbs 5 begins, "My son, attend unto my wisdom and bow your ear to my understanding." The parent is essentially saying, um, listen to me. Let me help you understand this. I think that's worth noticing. The parent isn't avoiding the subject. He's stepping into it. He's positioning himself as someone his child can come to for wisdom. And between ages 8 and 12, we still have our kids allegiance. Many of our kids still believe we know quite a bit. Recently I had the opportunity to talk with Janet Rosenwig, the author of the sex wise parent and she humorously makes the point that parents seem to get a lot dumber when children become teenagers and don't you remember that a little about yourself? So maybe this is an opportunity before our kids' friends become their authority or social media becomes the expert, before pornography or entertainment starts defining sex, we as their parent, the person who thinks most highly of them and loves them best. We can start talking about this. we can tell them that they can ask us questions and show them that we're available for them to ask us questions and that we're not going to panic about their questions. We're going to talk to them honestly. And this part is personal for me. I want to protect my son's privacy. So, I'm not going to share a lot of his story or any of his story. I just wanted to share my part. My part of the story is that my husband and I didn't make conversations about sex a priority early enough. And by the time our son brought the subject to us, we realized there were some things that we wished that we had discussed much sooner. You see, we had unintentionally left him vulnerable because we had not clearly talked about the choices or the possible outcomes with biblical wisdom before the information was needed. Maybe your story is different. What is your story? Maybe nobody talked to you about sex. Maybe you don't have a model for what these conversations are supposed to look like. And maybe that's exactly where we start. Not with perfection, just with honesty, just with I'm willing to start talking. That's how it begins. If that describes you, can you comment? I'm starting now. And that leads to another question. And this question is, if we're not trying to control every future decision our kids make, what exactly are we trying to give them? If we're not controlling every decision, what exactly are we giving them? This is exactly what we're giving them. Think about your child when they were two. When you crossed a parking lot, you held their hand and you held it tightly. Not because you were trying to control them. They simply didn't understand enough yet to safely make the decision about walking across the parking lot alone. But now they're older at 8, 9, 10, 11, or even 12. We start loosening our grip. And why do we do that? Because maturity in our child brings more opportunity for them to make decisions and decisions bring consequences. So consider our role gradually changing. We're moving from I make every decision for you child toward I'm teaching you how to make wise decisions. That doesn't mean an 8-year-old suddenly gets adult freedom or even privileges. We are still their parents and we're still here to protect them and of course establish boundaries. We consider their developmental readiness in the sex conversation. But we're beginning to teach something that they will need more and more. Not sex, but discernment. Proverbs 5 verse two talks about preserving discretion and knowledge. So instead of sex education being reduced to don't do this because mom said no, we begin helping our kids think. We help them think about their options. Where could each option lead? What does God say? We help them think about the outcome. Do I actually want that possible outcome? Think about our role almost like a almost like a trusted counselor. We're beside them and we're saying here's what that option means and here's what this road can lead to. Here's where this road can lead. Here's another road. Here's what scripture says. Here's why I believe God's wisdom is trustworthy. And then as your child matures, they increasingly have to make decisions. My adult son, my adult son will say sometimes like he'll give me some he'll say something that says, "Mom, it's your choice really." And eventually it's their choice. We cannot make every decision for our children. So maybe the 8 to 12 year olds are practice making decisions while the safety net is still closed. And that's why I like the idea of small conversations instead of one giant sex talk. Possibly you could do a question in the car or something comes on TV that struck that strikes your interest. A body change maybe or a word they heard, a situation with a friend could bring up a conversation. We talk a little and later we go a little further and over time our child learns this is something we can talk about in our family. Research with adolescents has found that parent child communication about sex is associated with safer sexual boundaries. Those studies are largely about teenagers. But that makes me wonder, what if we build the communication pattern before adolescence? If this is helping you think what the sex conversation could look like, would you tap the like button? That helps another Christian mom find this conversation to help their child. Because there is another piece of this that I think we sometimes we might miss. And that brings me to the one thing that I appreciate about Proverbs 5 is that it doesn't pretend that temptation looks terrible. It says, "The forbidden woman's lips drip like honey. Her mouth is smooth like oil." In other words, temptation and sex is appealing. And I think that gives us permission to be honest with our kids. Sexual attraction is real and curiosity is real. Pleasure in sex is real. And wanting something doesn't make the feeling imaginary. And acknowledging the feeling does not mean we are encouraging every possible action. Those are absolutely two different things. We can say, "I understand why that feels appealing, and I understand why somebody could be curious about that. You aren't in trouble for asking." But let's look at where different choices can lead. That's a very different conversation from shaming your child. We validate the feeling. We acknowledge the feeling. Then we help them examine the decision because proverb 5, Proverbs 5 means very quickly from something appears at the beginning to where it leads at the end. Honey at the beginning, what was sweet at the beginning, at the end is bitterness. Smoothness at the beginning, there's a sword that cuts at the end. And that's a life skill our kids need beyond sex. Don't evaluate a decision only by how it feels now. Look down the road. Maybe one of the most valuable questions we could begin teaching our kids is to ask, "What do I want this decision to produce?" We're not only asking, "Can I do this?" But we are asking where could this decision that I'm making right now, where could it take me? What does it get me? Proverbs 5:6 talks about the path of life. The chapter keeps bringing us back to paths and steps and outcome. And maybe that's the part of wisdom, learning to see further or farther than the immediate moment. So, you see, our sex conversation is not only about the what, it's about the why. But there's something that may make that difficult for us as moms. What happens when this conversation bumps into our own story? Maybe nobody talked to you. Maybe sex was very private. And maybe it was it was even awkward. you didn't want to talk to your parent about sex. Maybe the message you received was simply don't do it until after you get married. Maybe there are choices in your own life. Maybe and maybe there are choices in your own life that you would do differently today if you had a due over. Maybe your marriage or sex hasn't looked exactly what you would have imagined. And that can make this conversation with your 8 to 12year-old feel complicated. But you see, we don't have to give our kids every detail of our own life in order to guide them. Well, we can decide what is appropriate based on our children's age, their developmental abilities, their social awareness, their emotional intelligence, their own personality, and how they learn best. All those things factor into this conversation. And one mom may do it different than you. There are things I wish I had understood earlier and I want you, my child, to have the information that I didn't have. Another mom may just choose to share more. That's something each parent gets to decide for themselves. The goal isn't to unload our story onto our child. The goal is to give them what they, our child, need in order to grow in wisdom. And this matters when we're thinking about different kinds of kids and different kinds of families. Your child is neurody divergent. Maybe conversations need to be shorter or or maybe the language needs to be more concrete. They need clear definitions. And and of course, they may even need more processing time. And all that is okay. Whether you're raising a son or a daughter, whether they're biological, adopted, foster, stepchildren, whether you homeschool or your kids attend Christian school, whether your family is is a traditional family or blended or somewhere in between, the conversation can fit your child. We don't need one perfect script. We need a relationship where our child increasingly believes I can ask mom. If preparing your child's faith before middle school is something you're interested in and working on, would you subscribe? That's what we're exploring together on this channel. And that brings us to our fifth benefit, our fifth reason why. This is one that pulls everything together. In your mind, go back to the picture of holding your child's hand crossing the parking lot. At two, we are holding tightly. As they mature, we're gradually loosening that hand. Not because the road becomes harmless or the parking lot becomes less dangerous, but because our children are learning to navigate it. At 8, we're teaching. At 12, they're practicing more independence. During the teenage years, their decisionmaking opportunities increase and increase and increase, and eventually their adults making choices we simply cannot make for them. So, these years give us opportunity to provide independence with a safety net. And when we look at Proverbs 5, the parent seems to be doing several things. The parent is listening. The parent is paying attention. And the parent is saying, "Let me show you where this road goes. And here's the danger. Here's the good. Here's what I know." The parent is just a little further down the road. Then the child has to do the walking the road themselves. That's where parenting starts changing. We're not abandoning our guidance. At ages 8 to 12, we're preparing our children to eventually use that guidance when we are not holding their hand or standing beside them. In Proverbs 5, it doesn't only show the negative side of sex. Verses 15-19 show the positive side of sexual intimacy within marriage. And that is so important because the message isn't simply sex is dangerous or don't do sex. It's sex matters. Sex certainly can be pleasurable. It involves our bodies. It involves another person and it involves commitment. Our choices can have outcomes. Our children need to learn that. And God has wisdom for us in this area. Proverbs 5 21 sums it up so well. It says, "For the ways of man are always before the eyes of the Lord, and he ponderth all his goings. God sees the road. And God sees our choices. He sees where those choices lead. As Christian parents, we don't have to manipulate our child into agreement. We certainly can be honest. This is what scripture teaches. And we can say things like, "This is why I trust God's wisdom. Look at the different paths. Talk about the possible outcomes." And then we're preparing our 8 to 12year-old for reality that becomes more true every year. You are becoming increasingly responsible for your own path and your own choices. And that's not fear. And it's not stepping away from parenting. It's preparing our kids for maturity. So really, maybe the goal about our sex talk between the ages of 8 to 12 isn't one perfect conversation, and it isn't to make sure our kids never have a difficult question or never feel temptation. Maybe our goal is simpler. We want them to know, "My feelings are safe to talk about. My body matters to me and to God and my choices have outcomes. [clears throat] God's word gives me wisdom. My parents will help me think through difficult things. if your kids could grasp that and then they could also grasp if I'm confused I can come home and [clears throat] I can ask them because eventually we have to loosen that hand and before we completely let go we want our kids learning to look both ways not only what do I want right now but where does this road lead proverbs 5 gives us such a helpful framework it's not mere ly don't have sex. Proverbs 5 is an invitation to look at wisdom, desire, options, path, and outcomes. And if you're thinking, "This makes sense, but I'm still not sure how to start this conversation with my child." I'd love to talk with you. I offer a free 15minute faith mom conversation. We can talk about your 8 to 12 year old, what you're already seeing, what feels difficult, and what your next step could be. And together, we can identify a personal growth plan for how you can begin approaching conversations like this before the middle school pressure comes. There's no pressure to join. The link to schedule that free conversation is in the description. And here's the question I'd love for us to think about together. What could you do now that would help your child see you as one of the safest, wisest people they can talk to about sex? I'd love for you to share your thoughts in the comments. What can you do? Your answer may even help another mom think about how she wants to begin. And we've linked the next video here. This is the conversation that I had with the author of the sex wise parent. Be sure to watch it
