Has this ever happened to you, mom? Your [clears throat] daughter, 8 years old, comes in the kitchen and says, "They didn't invite me." Or gets in the car and says, "I was left out." And suddenly she starts wondering, "Do I need to change so my friends will like me?" The rejection hurts so bad. But what she starts believing about herself because she's feeling uninvited or rejected can hurt even more. In this video, we are going to talk about four steps remember, check, get help, and choose that can help you navigate the friendship drama with your 8 to 12year-old before the middle school comes. So before you try to fix that friendship, I want you to do this step first. Help your daughter. Remember what is already true. What is factual. You see, friendships change and actually people's opinions change. Who gets invited changes. But the thing about God and what your daughter needs to realize is that God never changes. And one of the most important things you can teach your daughter about friendship and friendship drama is the difference between what happened and what she decides it means about her. Let me give you an example. An event happens. Let's just say they didn't invite me is what she says. They didn't invite me. So she concludes nobody likes her so something must be wrong with her. But those things are not the same. And mom this is where friendship drama becomes a disciplehip opportunity. You see you can help her acknowledge the hurt without allowing the hurt to define her. some of the research that I did in preparation for this video was to look up the association of counseling and one of the things that it says was selfawareness. So emotional awareness. So what we're trying to do is help our children become emotionally aware. We are trying to help them to acknowledge the hurt without allowing the hurt to define your daughter. You might simply say something like, "I know that hurt." But before we decide what that means, that the event they didn't invite you, let's talk about actually what happened and what is still true about you. And let me just say that if you're wondering how to help your 8 to 12year-old child stay grounded in her faith when situations like this happen, I offer a 15minute free faith mom conversation. And there's a link if you'd like to talk through what you're seeing and a practical next faith step for your family. But now let's look more closely at what she needs to remember. You see, another child's acceptance does not create your daughter's worth. Neither does another child's rejection remove your daughter's worth. That child's acceptance or rejection of your daughter doesn't mean you teach your daughter you don't need friends. We were created for friendship and friendships matter. Being excluded hurts. And if you've ever been excluded, you know that it hurts. I have been excluded. It hurts. But friendship was never meant to carry the weight of identity. There is a difference between saying, "I really wanted to be included and I'm hurting that I wasn't." and saying I wasn't included therefore something must be wrong with me. There is a huge difference in those two outcomes and those two conclusions and that is where you as a mom can gently step in and help her see the truth. And this does not need to become a big Bible lesson every time she comes home upset. That might even push her away. Sometimes disciplehip just looks like one question. Just what happened and then build on that question. What are you starting to believe because it happened? That is a very different conversation than immediately trying to solve the friendship drama. And if you know another mom navigating this friendship drama in the tween years with her daughter, would you please share this video with her? She may need the details that I'm getting ready to share because step two is check. So, we've remembered and now we're checking. Help your daughter just slow down before assuming what happened or what it means. And this is so important because emotions are high. And when that happens, our minds tend to feel in all the missing information. And your daughter may say, "She hates me." And maybe what she knows is, "She didn't sit with me today at lunch." And those are not necessarily the same things. She hates me is not the same thing as she didn't sit with me at lunch. So help your daughter rather than immediately correcting her, start by listening and and you can ask her questions like, "What actually happened? What did you think it meant? What hurt you most? Validate her hurt. And what do you know for sure? And what are you assuming? Help her differentiate between what she's assuming and what she knows. And mom, notice that none of these questions begin with, "Well, did you do something?" or "I told you that girl wasn't a good friend or you're being too sensitive." You see, those responses may shut the conversation down before we understand what is really happening. You see, Proverbs 18:E3 says, "Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish." The verse is a good reminder for our children, but it's also a good reminder for us as moms. we need to hear before we answer. And sometimes your daughter will need correction. Maybe she did contribute to the problem. Maybe she misunderstood something. Maybe she said something hurtful, too. But listening first gives you the information you need to disciple wisely. And it communicates to your daughter, you can tell me what happened and I'm not going to immediately just take over. There's one phrase that I think can be especially helpful for you that you can use even today. Help me understand what happened. Tell me from the beginning and then listen. You see, you don't have to rescue. You don't need to investigate every detail. You're helping her learn to slow down and think truthfully. And I'd love for you to answer this in the comments. Which question would feel most natural for you to ask? Would you say what actually happened? What hurt the most? Or maybe what do we know and what are we assuming? Your answer, your answer may also help another mom think through how she can have these conversations with her daughter. And if this friendship situation has you wondering how to help your child stay rooted in who they are in Christ, you don't have to figure it out all by yourself. I offer a free 15minute faith mom conversation where you can tell me what you're seeing with your 8 to 12year-old and we can talk through a practical next step for strengthening their faith at home. There's no pressure to join anything, just a safe conversation with another Christian mom who wants to help you and your child stay steady. Click the link in the description to choose a time that's convenient for you. Now, on to step three, get help. The third step to help your daughter navigate friendship drama is get help. And I think this is an important part of this conversation. Because sometimes we can confuse a biblical response with simply tolerating whatever somebody does to us. And that is not what I am helping you teach or wanting you to teach your daughter. There is a difference between ordinary friendship conflict and behavior that requires adult involvement, repeated bullying and threats, ongoing humiliation, unsafe online behavior, repeated harassments. Those are situations where your child should know, I do not have to handle this myself. And getting help is not weakness. Proverbs 15:22 teaches us that plans fail when we lack counsel. But there is wisdom in seeking advice from others. So, Mom, part of discipling your daughter through friendship problems is helping her understand when she can work through something herself and when she needs trusted adult help. And sometimes you may need to involve a teacher, a school counselor, youth leader, coach, or another appropriate adult. Your job as a mom is not to make sure your daughter never experiences uncomfortable relationships. That isn't possible. Your job as a faith mom is to help her develop wisdom. And here is one question that can be incredibly helpful when your daughter becomes upset. Do you want me to listen right now or would you like me to help you to decide what to do? I love this question because it keeps the door open. Sometimes your daughter needs mom to listen. She may already know what she needs to do. She simply needs somewhere safe to say that hurt mom and cry. Other times she genuinely does not know what to do next and she needs your help. And there are also times when you may have to step in even if she would rather you didn't, particularly if there is a safety issue. That's part of being the parent. But this question gives you information. Is she asking for comfort? Is she asking for advice? Does she need intervention? Those are all different needs. So, let me ask you, what is harder for you as a mom? Knowing when to listen or knowing when to step in? If you'll to tell in the comments, because I think a lot of moms struggle with one side or the other, knowing when to listen and when to intervene. Now, it's on to step four. We come to the fourth step, which is choose. Once your daughter has remembered what is true, she's checked what actually happened, and she has considered what she needs, and you've helped her through those steps, you can ask, "What would the next fateful response look like?" Now, notice I said fateful. You're not asking, "What response guarantees that she will like me again?" And you're not even asking, "What response makes everybody agree that I was right and she was wrong? You see, we are teaching our children to choose the next fateful response. Sometimes that might mean speaking kindly and directly. Hey, when that happened yesterday, it really hurt my feelings. Can we talk about it? Sometimes the fateful response may just be walking away. Sometimes it may be spending time with another friend and sometimes it may be telling an adult. Sometimes it's setting a healthy boundary and sometimes it means refusing to retaliate when everyone else starts gossiping. And do you know what? Sometimes it means forgiving someone without pretending that unsafe behavior is acceptable. Let me say that again. Sometimes the fateful response is forgiving without pretending the unsafe behavior is acceptable. You see, forgiveness and reconciliation are related, but they are not identical. Your daughter can choose forgiveness while still recognizing this friendship is not healthy for me right now. Romans 12 17- 21 teaches believers not to repay evil for evil and not to take revenge. It also tells us as far as it depends on us, we live at peace with everyone. I think that wording is so helpful for our kids. As far as it depends on you, your daughter can control whether she lies about what happened, whether she gossips, whether she retaliates, whether she responds cruy, even whether she shuts down or not, whether she seeks wise help, whether she tells the truth. But she cannot control whether the other child apologized. And she cannot control whether she's invited. She cannot even control whether that friend changes. And those are all such important lessons to learn before the middle school pressures become even stronger. And the friendship drama is just out of control. We want to teach our daughters you are responsible for your fateful response. You are not responsible for controlling somebody else's response. So let's put this whole framework together. We started with remember what is true about who I am before God. The second thing we'll do is check what actually happened. What was the event that happened? What am I assuming the difference between the event and my conclusion? The third thing is get help. Can I handle it myself or do I need mom's intervention? Do I need mom to listen or do I need mom to intervene? And you, mom, are the guide with that. And then the fourth thing is choose what is the next faithful response. What is the trustworthy response that I can take? If you're listening to this and you're thinking, "My daughter is dealing with some of this, but I'm just not sure what to say or how much I should step in." I'd love to invite you to a free 15minute faith mom conversation. Because sometimes friendship drama isn't only about the friendship. It can reveal what our kids are beginning to believe about themselves, that self-awareness and about people and even about God. And you don't have to wait until something is seriously wrong to get support. We can talk about what you're seeing with your 8 to 12year-old where you can have greater clarity. One practical step you can begin to take at home. Moms I talk with often leave feeling heard, encouraged, and with practical ideas they can use already. There is no pressure to join anything. If you'd like that kind of support, click the link in the description and schedule your 15minute faith mom conversation today. There's one simple thing to do this week. Have one calm conversation with your daughter. Not necessarily right after something happens, but just choose any any calm moment. Maybe it's you're driving or you're just sitting together on the bed. Maybe you're going for ice cream. And I want you just to ask her, when friendships get hard, what do you sometimes start believing about yourself? And then I want you to listen. Don't rush to fix it. And do not immediately correct everything she says. Listen to what she believes because what you hear can show you where disciplehip needs to happen. And this is what I mean when I say prepare before the pressure. You don't have to wait until middle school becomes overwhelming to begin helping your daughter understand who she is. what God says is true and how she can respond faithfully when relationships become difficult. And ultimately the foundation of all friendship is the gospel. The gospel gives us the foundation for how we love other people. First John 4:es 9-11 reminds us that God showed his love by sending his son. And because he loved us, we are called to love one another. Our children do not learn biblical love by trying harder to be accepted. They learned love by first understanding the love God has demonstrated toward us through Christ. So don't waste the friendship struggle and not because the hurt is good and not because we minimize what your daughter is experiencing. Do not waste the friendship struggle because you can take something she is already walking through and help her learn how to know the truth, find the truth, and live the truth right there in real life. You see, friendship drama can become a place where she learns another person does not define me. I can slow down before assuming. I can ask for help and I can choose a faithful response even when I cannot control the outcome. That is disciplehip. If this video helped you, please like the video and subscribe for more practical help for discipling your 8 to 12year-old. And share this video with another faith mom. She may be walking through friendship drama with her child even right now. You see, Deuteronomy 6 6 and 7 reminds us to keep God's word in our hearts so that we can teach them diligently to our children in the everyday moments of life and friendship drama. That is one of those everyday moment. Please watch the next video. I'm putting it up here and we'll see you over in that
